Grieving Through March

For the past several years, since my mom's death, I've realized something about myself - March through May are really hard months for me.  It's actually hard to talk about it.  Why?  Because I am really good at publicly keeping my emotions tucked away.  I am hyper aware of what makes people uncomfortable, and talking about ones feelings too deeply tends to make people uncomfortable.  But, I've decided to try to put into words how I feel during these months.

There is the obvious joy over seeing Spring arrive after a long, cold, snowy winter.  And this winter definitely receives the "I should live in the south" award!  But, in the midst of the weather change, I wrestle with my mom's death more this time of year, than any other time.

You see, March is full of birthday's for my family, but the ones that are hardest for me are my own, my mom's, and my daughter's.  Mine is the 16th, Mom's was the 24th, and Julie's is on the 25th.  I have come to recognize that I start feeling the emotions of this month, well before my birthday even arrives...like right now, because I'm balling as I type this.  Why my birthday?  I assume it's because I spend the day thinking about the one who brought me into this world.  I think about how I miss her phone calls and birthday wishes, and it's not there anymore.  Mom didn't go overboard with b'day celebrations, but she was mom, and not having her here to go out for lunch with, or hear from, is really hard.

The day of mom's birthday, the 24th, is hard, too.  It's a day to think about her, and if the weather is nice enough I try to get over to the cemetery on this day, just to spend some time.

Julie's birthday is the day after mom's.  We lived in New York for many years, and mom & dad always made a point to come visit right around each of our kids birthday's.  I just miss that.

April is Easter, and there's no particular reason for this being difficult, it just happens to fall between the March birthday month, and Mother's Day in May.  So, it's caught during a time I'm struggling a little more. We get together with family on Easter, but I often miss mom's presence at those get-together's.

Mother's Day is obviously hard.  I have spent the last few year's trying to focus the day on my kids, and their desire to shower me with homemade gifts and poems.  But, I usually end up a sobbing mess and trying to pull it together so we can go to church.

I've been trying to articulate my emotions this week.  Life is busy.  My patience are too thin sometimes. Decisions about kids, and money, and well...life, can just be hard at times.  But, God is good, and normally most of these things don't get to me too much.  However, as I was thinking about things, and asking God to help me, it occurred to me, "Oh, yea, it's March, and I am missing mom."  It's not that recognizing it takes it away, it just helps me know where the struggle is coming from, and I can talk to the Lord a little more about it.

So, I wrestled with whether to post this, but I've decided this - everyone has something in their life that is hard.  You may have lost someone very close to you, or you may be close to losing someone.  Know this, it is not always going to be an obvious moment that will cause you to struggle with the loss.  For me, the anniversary of mom's passing (June 12, 2009) is not as hard as March and Mother's Day.  Your moments may come & go.  You might notice that at Christmas you get through without a lot of struggle, but then you're in the grocery store and something reminds you of them, and you just want to go home and be alone.

March is that way for me.  Christmas was fine, but birthday's are hard.  I love the sign of new life spring brings, but the ache of missing my mom this time of year can often overshadow the excitement of a new season.  It's okay.  It's part of grief.  I still get out of bed each day.  I can still take care of my family, but my heart is a little heavier this time of year.  Now that I've learned to recognize this better, I am able to communicate it more to my husband, and to the Lord.  That helps....