In the October issue of Redbook Magazine there is a Q&A section titled, "Girlfriend Therapy." The "Answer Lady" is Soleil Moon Frye, better known as Punky Brewster from the sitcom during the mid to late 80's. I have read this column on a few occasions and have never thought too much about it. But today, I read the Q&A, titled "But He Said He Wanted Children", and felt nothing but disgust.
A woman, married to her husband for two years, questions whether she should leave him since she's ready to have children, and now he's making excuses, and not sure he wants any. She says this is a deal-breaker for her. The first part of Soleil's advice wasn't too bad, but the last sentence made me so frustrated and sad. She writes, "Give him a chance before giving up, and if he still can't help you build the family you want, then you may have to make the hard decision to move on." Are you kidding me????
Is marriage of so little meaning that a disagreement on having kids is enough to end that marriage? I realize the desire for children is unlike any desire a person can experience, but you can not fix a marriage by having children, and neither should you end a marriage over disagreeing on whether to have them. At the very least, advise them to seek professional counselling. Perhaps she's putting too much pressure on him, or he's just stressed over finances and these things need worked through. But the advice that if he can't help YOU build the family YOU want, then move on... Here's the thing, when you get married you take vows - richer, poorer, sickness, health, good times and bad, and it's no longer just about YOU. If we "move on" in life every time we don't get what we want at that moment, life get's pretty lonely. Marriage is give and take, and there will be many occasions when you need to set your wants aside for the sake of your spouse.
I've got news for you, kids can put more strain on a marriage than most anything. From lack of sleep causing you to go after each other and fight, to the financial strain, to differences in parenting styles. If the decision to have kids can break up a marriage, you are not in any way ready to have those kids. It gets a whole lot harder once those precious little bundles arrive.
You may argue, "what do you expect from a superficial magazine?" You would be right in many ways, but I felt like it was an open door for a discussion on the topic. We need to stop advising married couples to try a few things, then if it doesn't work, move on. From a Christian perspective, if we are giving God the highest place in our marriage, then you can work through these things with His guidance. Psalm 31:10 & 11 "A wife of noble character, who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her, and lacks nothing of value." If your spouse has full confidence in you, don't you think he then cares about your wants and desires?
Feel free to read the article and let me know what you thought, as well. Perhaps you didn't see it the same way I did.
2 comments:
I am sorry I disagree with you and this post. While marriage is important and I agree with that, if she had tried all of those things and he still is at the same life point, why should she give up her life dream of being a mother if that is her lifes dream. The real question I would ask this woman is did she know this prior to marrying the man? If she did not then she married false pretense and that is not fair to this woman at all. If she did know he felt this way and married him anyway then she is a fool. I think the bigger picture is who are any of us to judge someone or tell them what should or should not be happy. I understand and respect your relgious beliefs, at the same time people deserve to be happy and follow their own life path, and in the end if you do believe in GOD he will have the last say in how this woman or any of us have choosen to live life, not this article or you or I. Let me preface this with I do not want this to come across as an insult to you, I just posing the question, I have always wanted to ask why people who are religious use the bible to judge others by stating their opinion and then quoting psalms?
Laurie - Thanks for your comment. I can appreciate that you & I look at this differently. I agree with you whole-heartily that in the end God will have the last say in how this woman, or any of us, have chosen to live life. I believe the Bible is the guideline for how we should live, and therefore I hope to not be judgmental, but expose what God's Word says about something. God places a high priority on marriage. I was re-reading this verse in Matthew 19:4-6 that says, "Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh' ? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."
God is the final judge, not you or I (if left up to me, I would get it wrong every time).
Perhaps my strong feelings on an issue come across as judgmental, but that is not how they're meant. I am heart broken over the number of people who choose to end a marriage over things that could be worked out. It is not my place to make their decisions in their marriage, but I believe if we seek God for guidance in marriage,and in life, He will give it to us. I'm not implying that a person should stay married to an abuser,either. That is a separate issue.
Thanks again for your comment, and thanks for respecting my beliefs. I appreciate the discussion. :)
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